New Year, New Dreams, New Goals!

Thank you, LDVenus, for both the warning and the words of encouragement. And I really appreciate the warning. My second job is working for a private practice psychiatrist. I do all of her computer work--insurance and patient billings, letters, appeals, all that sort of stuff. She's away on vacation right now and I plan to ask her when she comes back if the Xanax is a bad thing. Part of her practice deals with addiction to drugs, so this is not foreign to her at all. Trust me, I would never go that route.

The good news for me is that I visited a friend. She's probably my best friend in the world and we discussed my situation. She's also like the two of us in that she also had a hysterectomy, but she got through the next six months without any hormone help. She, like you, assured me that my anxiety is simply "life in general" right now.

All my life I've been a strong, independent woman. Everyone around me looks to me for strength and assurance when they feel overwhelmed. I'm a doer. I make things happen. I don't wait for solutions to crop up. I make them happen. Well, for the first time, I'm a bit overwhelmed myself. I'm not sure what to do next. Never been a problem before. I could always devise a solution and then, like I said, make it happen. Right now, I'm not sure which direction to take.

As she said to me, that's not a failing on my part. It's simply that I'm vulnerable right now. And that's okay. It's okay to admit it. And it's okay to feel it also.

No, the medication can never be used as a replacement or a crutch. I don't "do" crutches. It's not in my nature. But, for a short time period, if it helps me deal with my vulnerability, then that's okay also. Yes, I'll talk to the doctor. As a patient or an employee, it doesn't matter, but I'll talk with her next week and we'll work out the best course for me.

Actually, I admitted to her already that it was her notes on a patient that made me cut the medication in half. She has a number of patients that she sees for (I think the technical DSM reference) is "generalized anxiety", so she often prescribes Xanax. She'll prescribe the dosage that I cut mine down to rather than a full mg. And I was worried that taking what the dentist had prescribed would be too much and put me to sleep. I didn't want that. I just wanted enough to "take the edge off", as stated in my last post. It worked. Course, the patients at the office take this dosage sometimes 3 or 4 times a day. (I admit that I did forget how often their dosing regimen was, but I do know it was 3 or 4.) I just wanted once a day. So I was comfortable with that.

Thank you again for your kind words. Trust me, addiction is not an option. There have been drug problems in my family history as well as a long line of alcoholics, which is the reason I don't drink. I might tipple once or twice a year, such as my homecooked egg nog (the cooked kind, not the raw mix) which had 1/2 cup of amaretto added to the 6 cups of egg nog. Yum, Yum! From The Joy of Cooking. I made their cooked egg nog and added about 3 drops of vanilla and 1/2 cup of amaretto and I've been sipping over the days. This recipe is definitely going to be added to my Christmas menu on a permanent basis! LOL!

But the point is, I know my family history and I won't go there. In fact, I was going to delete that post entirely except a response did show up and I wanted to address it. Leave my "bumps and bruises" out on the internet for anyone to read. I can admit that I'm having a hard time right now. But I also wanted to assure anyone reading that I know the dangers of addiction and that's not an option.

I'm ready for my annual winter hibernation. Leave the rest of the world at the door. Watch everyone else endure the -10 wind chill temps we have today. Admit to my girls that I need a bit of help right now. Lean on the hubby a bit more and stop trying to solve everyone's problems single-handedly.

And in the meantime? I'm going to go order that yarn. I've been itching to start another colorwork sweater since I finished my brother's sweater last February and I haven't done it yet. Yup, I need a sweater to give my attention to and that will definitely help. In fact, I might break down and order yarn for two sweaters. Spending money is never a way to solve a problem, but the promise of two beautiful colorwork sweaters that I've been drooling over for almost two years will help. I may not be able to solve all the issues on my plate right now, but knitting those two sweaters will give me a tremendous boost of confidence and a sense of accomplishment that's sorely needed right now.

Happy New Year to everyone!